Balanced & Boundaried: How to Stop The Toxic Habits of Approval-Seeking, People-Pleasing and Over-extending
"Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept."
Anna Taylor
How do we protect and maintain our energy in this world of chaos and disorder? One of the most effective tools to achieve a sustainable balance in your life is through setting boundaries.
Boundaries are not just about keeping others out; they're about defining what you allow into your life, ensuring you maintain your health and happiness, mentally, emotionally, and physically. In this post, we'll explore why boundaries are so important in relationships, life and work, and how you can set them effectively.
"I think your job in life is to disappoint as many people as you can to avoid disappointing yourself.“
Viola Davis
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that a person sets to define what is acceptable to them, from others, or for themself. It is a simple communication to let another person know how you want to be treated, which is why a great place to start is by telling someone how their actions make you feel. It’s okay to let those around you know what is and isn’t okay with you! It’s a healthy and self-loving act.
Boundaries define us by marking what is “me” and what is “not me.” They help us take responsibility for our actions, emotions, and needs. By setting boundaries, we create clear limits that protect our well-being and personal space, enabling us to live more authentically and harmoniously.
Boundaries are indicators of self-love and self-respect. They are often based on our values; so if we neglect them, we will often get in trouble and burn out from stress, pressure, or overwhelm.
While being helpful is positive, it can also be harmful, especially if you consistently put others first at your own expense. Many people avoid setting boundaries until a health crisis forces them to.
"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself."
Paulo Coelho
Understanding Self-Abandonment
Self-abandonment is caring for others while neglecting yourself, and it's a direct result of poor boundaries.
You neglect, sacrifice and abandon ourselves every time you...
Say yes when you want to say no
Add more to an already busy day
Choose someone else's comfort or needs over yours
Help others more than helping yourself
Try to convince yourself you're ok when you're not
Let someone talk you out of a dream or desire
Enmesh your feelings with others
Look for others to manage your feelings instead of working through them yourself
Refuse to tend to whatever things need your attention
The longterm result of chronic self-abandonment, poor boundaries and people-pleasing will almost always be stress and suffering.
Regularly suppressing your needs leads to...
Overwhelm & Burnout: Physical and emotional exhaustion.
Resentment: Suppressing your needs can foster resentment towards others.
Stress and Anxiety: Constantly trying to please everyone can create significant stress and anxiety.
Loss of Identity: You may lose sight of your own needs, values, and desires in favor of others' expectations.
Guilt or Shame: Losing your self-respect and authenticity can lead to feelings of low self-worth
"Empathy becomes codependency when you take it upon yourself to do the work for someone else who isnt willing to do the work for themselves"
Alyssa Marie
Mindset & Self-Talk
The way we think and talk to ourselves can either lead us into co-dependency or help us establish healthy boundaries. Your individual self-talk and mindset are powerful tools in shaping these core beliefs
Co-dependent thinking often stems from negative core beliefs about oneself, such as feeling unworthy or believing that one needs to please others to be loved. This mindset can lead to sacrificing personal needs and happiness for the sake of others, often resulting in unhealthy and imbalanced relationships.
I have to anticipate their needs and fulfill them
I feel anxious when they are upset because it reflects on me
If I set boundaries they may reject or abandon me
I must keep the peace at all costs, even if it means sacrificing my own needs
I need their approval to feel good about myself
In contrast, boundary-led thinking promotes self-respect and independence. It is rooted in the belief that one is deserving of love and respect without needing to overextend or lose oneself in the process.
I can ask them what they need and decide if I can help
Their emotions are their own and I can support them without absorbing them
Healthy boundaries are essential for mutual respect and trust
It's ok to assert my needs even if it causes temporary discomfort
My self-worth comes from within, not from others validation
Establishing healthy boundaries helps maintain individuality and fosters mutual respect in relationships. The solution? Recognizing and challenging negative self-talk with Positive affirmations and self-compassion can help break free from co-dependency patterns and reinforce boundary-led thinking.
There's a difference between being a 'nice person' and a 'good person'. Being 'Nice' will get you temporary approval while being used, stressed, disrespected. Being 'Good', on the other hand, means honoring your truth, being honest, setting boundaries, building genuine connection and taking care of yourself without compromising your values.
Overextending & Overgiving
The hard truth: All of your over-giving, generosity, and constant availability might actually be causing people to take you for granted. They may actually value you less because you're always so accessible.
In my coaching with recovering people-pleasers, I see this often, especially with those working on setting boundaries in the workplace. Years of over-giving—without being fairly compensated for the extra effort—can lead to workplaces overlooking the value we bring. This often results in resentment, burnout, and a lack of proper support.
The same thing happens in personal relationships. While over-extending ourselves can be necessary in moments of crisis when others truly need us, doing so long-term—especially without receiving much in return—doesn't win us any awards. Instead, we end up exhausted, resentful, and underappreciated.
Rather than hoping others will recognize your worth through over-giving, start recognizing your own worth by setting boundaries, limits, and being clear about what you won't tolerate.
Learn to notice when you're over-extending—pause—and communicate your limits with grace, kindness, and confidence. Some people may not like it, but you'll be surprised at how many will respect you more for asserting your voice, agency, and power.
"People pleasing is a race to the bottom. Overextending doesn't make people appreciate your time and comfort more, it makes people actually value you less."
Shomi Williams
People-Pleasing vs Kindness
People with weak or few boundaries are usually people-pleasears.. People-pleasing involves prioritizing others' needs and desires over your own. We do this because we're fearful of conflict, rejection, criticism, or disapproval from others.
The biggest difference between kindness and people-pleasing is the MOTIVATION behind the behavior.
People-pleasing is transactional: you’re doing it to get something from someone. That something might be safety, security, approval, love, affection, time, material things, etc. The point is, it’s not an intrinsically motivated act. When we people-please, we’re usually trying to AVOID negative outcomes (loss, being disliked, losing someone’s affections, etc).
In contrast, kindness is rooted in genuine desire and choice. Kindness isn’t supposed to harm you in the process; you engage in it because it makes you feel good, improves your life, and exposes you to new things. When we’re kind, we’re usually trying to ACTIVELY ENJOY positive outcomes (community, helping someone, trying new things, etc).
The key to moving from people-pleasing into genuine kindness is boundaries. With boundaries, we stop OVER-giving so we can start GENUINELY giving from a place of desire and goodwill.
At first glance, high-achieving people-pleasers or "yes (wo)men" with weak boundaries may come across as:
Generous
Accommodating
Helpful
Considerate
Easygoing
Mission-driven
Goal-oriented
But look closer, and you'll see the darker side...
“A personal boundary is an invisible line you draw within yourself and around yourself to identify what is acceptable and not acceptable to you.”
Iyanla Vanzant
Our society glorifies and rewards those who are passive and obedient, who practice fawning behavior and are a "culture fit" (to the patriarchy). They'll ask us to do it all, be grateful for it, and keep going, no questions asked.
Over-working
Over-functioning
Over-delivering
Over-indexing
Over-extending
That's no way to live.
"If we don't say yes authentically, then we say yes resentfully and that leads to far more problems than if we'd said no in the first place."
Nat Lue
We know that healthy boundaries are essential for our well-being. They can improve our relationships, protect against burnout and stress, and increase our sense of self-worth and agency. However, highly sensitive people can often struggle with their boundaries for several reasons:
Their increased empathy means they are even more concerned about hurting others' feelings or letting them down.
They keep quiet about their own needs to avoid conflict, which can be emotionally overwhelming for them.
They may have learned from a young age to put others first or to go along with others to feel accepted.
They may have developed overly rigid boundaries as defense mechanisms against feeling hurt or disappointed.
I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t act or behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you.
Fear of setting boundaries stems from concerns about missed opportunities or upsetting others. We are scared of another person’s reaction or how we will appear or be perceived by them. We fear how it will affect our relationships or career.
Our social or financial status can impact our ability to set boundaries. Even in limited-power situations, small steps can create meaningful space.
Setting boundaries often results in initial discomfort, guilt, and pushback from others, but consistency in maintaining them is crucial for long-term benefits.
Remember, if someone reacts negatively to a boundary, it's because they were benefiting from you having weak boundaries. This doesn’t mean they were outwardly taking advantage of you, but it does mean that they have to grapple with the shift in the relationship that takes away some of their benefits. Stand your ground!
Keeping our boundaries intact is crucial for our overall well-being. Boundaries preserve and protect your valuable time, energy, and sanity, helping you build a healthy and balanced life AND career.
Healthy boundaries contributes to a sense of safety, comfort, and camaraderie in the workplace.
By understanding and addressing boundary issues, you can foster healthier interactions and a more balanced life. Healthy boundaries are sustainable!
"The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything."
Warren Buffett
Why Boundaries Are Important
Setting boundaries is crucial for self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries help you:
Protect Your Energy: Ensure your physical and mental health needs are prioritized and preserved. Protect your well-being!
Respect Yourself: Recognize and honor your own needs and limits, what makes you uncomfortable or stressed.
Foster Mutual Respect: Encourage others to respect your boundaries and build balanced relationships. Builds camaraderie, improves your relationships by establishing clear expectations and responsibilities.
Increase Your Authenticity: Be true to yourself and communicate honestly, helping you maintain your identity.
Maintain Psychological Safety: Contribute to a sense of psychological safety and comfort at home and in the workplace.
Preserve Mental Health: Boundaries are crucial for protecting your mental well-being. By setting limits on what you can handle, you prevent burnout and reduce stress. They help you prioritize your mental health by ensuring that you have time and space for self-care and relaxation.
Enhance Relationships: Healthy boundaries foster healthier relationships. They create a clear understanding between you and others about your needs and limits, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts. Boundaries help build mutual respect and trust, as both parties know and respect each other's limits.
Boost Self-Esteem: Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and self-love. When you enforce your limits, you affirm your self-worth and show others that you value yourself. This, in turn, boosts your self-esteem and confidence, as you take control of your life and decisions.
Increase Productivity: In professional settings, boundaries are essential for productivity. By setting clear limits on your availability and workload, you can focus better on tasks, manage your time efficiently, and avoid overcommitting. This leads to higher quality work and better performance.
Promote Physical Health: Boundaries also play a role in maintaining your physical health. By saying no to excessive demands on your time and energy, you can ensure you have enough time for exercise, rest, and healthy eating, all of which are vital for physical well-being.
"I can't be anything to anyone if I am nothing to myself"
Your Boundary Beliefs
One of the first steps to addressing this is to identify the beliefs you have about your boundaries. Once you know you have unhealthy beliefs, you can start to notice and name them and the situations in which they occur. Over time, you can replace them with healthier alternatives.
Identifying Boundary Problems
There are two main types of issues that involve boundaries:
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Not being able to say no and taking on too much.
Not Respecting Others' Boundaries: Overstepping and not acknowledging other people's limits.
People with boundary problems often attract others with similar issues, creating complex relational dynamics.
Which one of the following applies to you?
Compliant – Saying “Yes” to the Bad:
Characteristics: Difficulty saying no, fear of hurting others’ feelings, fear of abandonment or punishment, and feelings of guilt when prioritizing oneself.
Outcome: Become chameleons, adapting behavior to please others, and may end up in unhealthy or abusive relationships without recognizing it.
Avoidant – Saying “No” to the Good:
Characteristics: Difficulty asking for help, recognizing own needs, and allowing others in.
Outcome: Create walls instead of healthy boundaries, leading to resentment and unmet needs. May feel burnt out from doing too much for others.
Controller – Not Respecting Others' Boundaries:
Characteristics: Inability to respect others' limits, resistance to taking control of their own lives, and tendency to manipulate or persuade others to meet their demands.
Outcome: Overtly aggressive or manipulative behaviors, using guilt or persistence to break down others’ boundaries.
Nonresponsive – Not Hearing the Needs of Others:
Characteristics: Critical or judgmental of others' needs, self-absorbed, ignoring others’ boundaries.
Outcome: Difficulty in seeing past their own needs, often exploiting those with weak boundaries, and not acknowledging or respecting others’ limits.
Boundary Patterns in Relationships:
Compliant Avoiders: Seek to repair and help others, neglecting their own needs.
Controlling Nonresponsive: Look for people who will take responsibility for them and not express too many needs.
When boundary problems collide, these patterns often mesh together, forming dysfunctional relationships where one person’s excessive giving is matched by another’s excessive taking or controlling.
It's not your job to...
make sure others feel comfortable or at ease
create peace and harmony in every situation.
shoulder discomfort so others don’t have to.
smile or laugh when they offend you
pretend you’re flattered by unwanted attention.
smooth over every awkward moment
make others feel comfortable at the expense of your own well-being.
manage other people's emotions
sacrifice your voice for their comfort.
bear the weight of everyone else’s discomfort.
It IS your job to
honor your own boundaries
speak your truth,
be the most real, authentic and honest version of yourself
let others handle their own discomfort that arises from your authenticity.
"Say Yes to discomfort and No to resentment."
Brene Brown
Types of Boundaries
Boundary-setting requires courage to express your needs, especially in situations where you fear rejection or confrontation. It's a form of self-respect that empowers you to take control of your life.
Physical Boundaries: These refer to personal space and physical touch. They determine how close others can get to you and what kind of physical interactions are acceptable. For example, some people may be comfortable with hugs, while others prefer handshakes or no physical contact at all.
Emotional Boundaries: Emotional boundaries protect your feelings and self-esteem. They involve recognizing your own emotions, understanding your limits in emotional exchanges, and preventing others from manipulating or guilt-tripping you.
Mental Boundaries: These boundaries pertain to your thoughts, opinions, and values. They allow you to have your own beliefs and respect the beliefs of others. Mental boundaries help prevent undue influence from others' opinions or criticisms.
Time Boundaries: Time boundaries protect how you spend your time. They involve setting limits on your availability for work, social interactions, and personal activities, ensuring you have enough time for rest and self-care.
Material Boundaries: These involve possessions and finances. Material boundaries set limits on what you are willing to share or lend to others and under what conditions. They help prevent feelings of resentment or exploitation.
Work Boundaries: Work boundaries define your professional responsibilities and your limits within a workplace. They ensure you can manage your workload, avoid burnout, and maintain a work-life balance.
“A boat cannot sink without water getting inside.”
How to Set Boundaries
Identify Your Limits: The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your own limits. Reflect on what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. Pay attention to situations where you feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of. These are indicators that boundaries need to be set.
Communicate Clearly: Effective communication is key to setting boundaries. Be direct and clear about your needs and limits. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing others. For example, "I need some quiet time after work to recharge."
Be Assertive, Not Aggressive: Assertiveness is about standing up for your rights while respecting others. When setting boundaries, be firm but polite. Avoid aggressive language or behavior, as it can lead to conflict and resistance. Assertiveness shows that you are confident and respectful.
Practice Saying No: Saying no can be challenging, especially if you're used to pleasing others. However, it's a crucial part of setting boundaries. Remember, saying no to others means saying yes to yourself. Practice saying no in a calm and respectful manner, without feeling guilty.
Stay Consistent: Consistency is essential for effective boundaries. Once you set a boundary, stick to it. Inconsistency can confuse others and undermine your efforts. Be firm in enforcing your limits, even when it's difficult.
"Your job throughout your entire life is to dissapoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself."
Glennon Doyle
Reinforce Your Strength. Repeat affirmations to call in your power. Ex: "Energy thieves and vampires do not get access to me."
Read this whenever you feel guilty about establishing your boundaries with a toxic person:
"While I love to help others, I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for...
fixing your life
catering to your needs
managing your triggers
walking on eggshells
telling you what want to hear in order to keep the peace.
I am not your emotional punching bag or energy sponge. I do not exist for your pleasure or as a place to project your pain.
My responsibility is to myself. My responsibility is to...
stay true to myself
be my own person
heal my own wounds
manage my own triggers
maintain healthy boundaries, especially with those who are unhealthy
I must protect and care for myself so that I can give authentically and contribute to the greater good without depleting my energy in the process. Thank you for understanding and supporting my needs here.
Seek Support: Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if you're not used to it. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement. Having a support system can make it easier to stick to your boundaries.
“If what you want to say is neither true, good or kind, nor useful or necessary, don’t say anything.”
Feel Empowered: Let go of the need or desire to always be liked. Others disliking you is a sign you're living in your authenticity, which brings fear from people operating from a place of Ego.
Trying to explain yourself to lower vibrational people will get you nowhere. The frequency gap is large enough that they can't hear your words. So save your energy for those in alignment, for those who are on a similar ascension path.
Speak Mindfully We can't assume we can always say whatever we want, whenever we want. We should strive to create psychological safety and understand the consequences of speaking up. In Buddhist philosophy, there are 5 keys to "right speech"
Everything should be spoken....
at the right time.
truthfully - avoiding falsehoods
gently and kindly - avioding harshness
constructively /beneficially - avoiding gossip
with goodwill - to promote harmony and understanding, respect and compassion.
"If someone wont respect your feelings, needs and boundaries, the problems isn't you, it's them."
Lori Deschene
Effective Phrases & Scripts for Setting Firm Boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be complicated, confrontational, or scary.
Remember - boundaries are as much about what you choose to keep OUT as they are about what you choose to let IN.
For many of us, especially highly sensitive people (HSPs), setting boundaries is like building a muscle. It takes time and practice, especially if we've been slow to set them in the past. The more we practice the art of saying “no”, the easier it gets.
Let's normalize setting boundaries with simple but effective scripts!
"No (thank you), that does not feel good/aligned for me"
"I’m not available for that right now."
"I can help for 30 minutes, but then I have to leave."
"I’m sorry, I can’t make it. I’d love to see you another time."
"I am really overcommitted right now. I’m sorry, but I have to pass."
"I don’t think I’m the best person to help with that."
"I have a lot on my plate so I won't be able to give this the attention it deserves. I apologize if this disappoints you."
"No, I can’t do that right now, but I can help you _________instead."
"I can’t be available, but I can suggest someone who might be able to help."
"I will get back. to you tomorrow. I don’t check work emails after 7 PM."
"I’m uncomfortable with this conversation. I’d like to shift the topic."
"Please don’t touch me without asking. If you do that again I will not be able to stay in your presence"
"I do not tolerate this. You can speak to me from a caring, considerate, respectful place or I will stop this conversation immediately"
The most important part is to leave silence after these phrases. Don't repeat yourself. Don't over-explain. Don't try to justify. Stand in the discomfort and abruptness of these simple words. This is where the magic and transformation lies. This is where your power is restored. The other person's reaction or response will tell you everything you need to know.
"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage – pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically – to say 'no' to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside."
Stephen Covey
Boundaries: An Act of Resistance
Let's challenge the social norms and expectations that demand we prioritize others' needs over our well-being. It's time to reclaim our autonomy and reject the pressure to conform to external standards that may be harmful or draining.
We must stand against the toxic culture of self-sacrifice, overworking, and people-pleasing. A healthier, happier, and more balanced life awaits!
Setting boundaries is an essential act of self-care, self-compassion, and self-respect. It's about respecting ourselves while maintaining healthy relationships with others and ourselves. Understanding and implementing these boundaries empower us to prioritize our well-being without neglecting others. Each boundary serves as a safeguard, ensuring that we honor our mental, emotional, and physical needs.
Once you get good at saying "No" you take your power back.
Wrapping it Up
Setting boundaries helps you reconnect with your true self and act from a place of authenticity, not from fear or a desire to please others. This is a powerful way to take control of your life and protect your well-being, preserving your mental and physical health, enhance relationships, and boost productivity.
By identifying your limits and understanding your boundary issues, communicating clearly, being assertive, practicing saying no, staying consistent, and seeking support, you can foster healthier interactions that contribute to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Remember, boundaries are not about keeping people out; they're about ensuring you have the space and time to be your best self and focus on what really matters to you.
Boundaries are not barriers but gateways to a balanced and joyful life, healthy relationships and fulfilling career. Stopping toxic people-pleasing are game-chancers for maintaining your mental and emotional health, happiness, and harmony. Remember, you have the right to prioritize your needs and create a life that respects and honors who you are.
At the end of the day, saying "no" opens space for what is meant for you. It allows room for what is aligned with your true self—more time for meaningful projects, more creative and inspired work, and deeper connections. By practicing the art of saying "no" and establishing clear limits, we cultivate balance and preserve our energy for what truly matters.
"You don’t always have to be the nice girl. Not when it means accepting less than you deserve. Not when it means allowing others to walk over you. Not when it means sacrificing your own happiness to make the people around you more comfortable. . . .
You don’t need to play nice when others have pushed you to your breaking point, when they’re playing mind games with you, when they’re actively disrespecting you. . . .
You don’t have to be the nice girl when other people are treating you poorly. You don’t have to let their mean streak continue. You can speak up — or you can remove yourself from the situation. You can cut the toxic people out of your life without another thought. You can search for others who understand you, who would never dream of making you feel uncomfortable. Because those are the types of people you deserve to be around, anyway.
Most of the time, you should be proud of yourself for being such a nice, sweet, caring person — but there’s always a limit. You shouldn’t allow anyone to mistreat you, simply because you’re scared of causing a scene. You shouldn’t keep the wrong people in your world for the sake of seeming nice.”
Holly Riordan
Erin is a certified feng shui consultant, energy healer, wellness coach and holistic growth strategist.
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