How to Really Hold Space and Show Up for Your Loved Ones In Times of Crisis or Chaos
"I hope you live louder. I hope you laugh more. I hope you sing at the top of your lungs. I hope you drive with the windows down and let the wind rustle through your hair. I hope you hug. I hope you kiss.
I hope you surround yourself with people who make you feel alive. I hope you become the type of person that brings good energy wherever you go, and the type of person people want to be around.
I hope you speak what's on your mind, that you raise your voice for injustice, that you tell others that you love them, instead of waiting until it's too late.
I hope you live louder, shine brighter. From this moment on."
Marisa Donnelly
When someone we care about is going through pain, loss, or struggle, our natural instinct is to help, fix, or offer words of encouragement. But often, those well-meaning efforts can leave the person feeling even more isolated. The truth is, it’s not about fixing the situation or offering solutions—sometimes, it’s about being present and allowing the person to simply be.
"When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgment and control."
Heather Plett
Embracing Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is the practice of fully embracing reality as it is, without resistance or denial, even when it involves pain, discomfort, or hardship.
This compassionate, empathic approach is vital in supporting loved ones through personal struggles by encouraging us to meet them exactly where they are, without trying to fix or change their situation. It means accepting their pain, emotions, and challenges without judgment, pressure, or offering unsolicited advice. Instead of pushing them to "move on" or "get better," we hold space for their experience, allowing them to feel seen and validated in their journey.
This creates a safe, non-judgmental environment where they can process their emotions at their own pace, knowing they are supported and not alone in their struggle.
It means you stop fighting with reality. This may cause sadness because it feels like a loss of hope but at the same time, you may feel relief in letting go, surrendering to what is.
By accepting life's difficult emotions and circumstances , we open a path to greater healing.
"Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as they are. A moment of radical acceptance is a moment of genuine freedom."
Tara Brach
Let Them Be Where They Are
Sadness, grief, and hardship are natural responses to tough life experiences. It’s important to remember that trying to make someone feel better or encouraging them to “look on the bright side” may do more harm than good. Instead of trying to change their emotions, let them feel what they’re feeling. Acknowledging their reality—without rushing to offer solutions—can be one of the most supportive things you can do.
When things are dark, it’s okay to let them stay dark. Don’t rush to brighten the mood. Instead, let your friend know you’re there, even in the hard moments.
Sidestepping the topic isn't the solution. Instead, lean in and embrace the full depth of the conversation, including the discomfort.
The Question is always 'How do I get over this/get over that," and the Answer is always, 'Let it ache.'
For those facing serious problems in life, health, finances, or relationships the concept of “getting better soon” can make them feel like a burden. Sometimes, recovery or resolution isn’t in the cards, and that’s where radical acceptance comes in. Radical acceptance isn’t about giving up; it’s about accepting what is and finding a way to live with it, rather than putting life on hold until everything is perfect.
A common way to respond to someone’s struggles is to remind them of the good things they still have. But the reality is that highlighting positives doesn’t erase the pain they’re experiencing. The truth is, good and bad can coexist: people can feel gratitude and grief at the same time—these emotions exist together, and one doesn’t cancel out the other.
"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried."
Megan Devine
Resist the Urge to Fix
When we see someone in pain, it’s tempting to share advice or ways to move forward. But unsolicited advice can feel invalidating, as though you’re saying their pain could be avoided if only they did things differently. Instead, focus on being a compassionate listener.
There’s a discomfort in realizing that we can’t always fix things for the people we care about. And that’s okay. Learning to sit with that discomfort and be present in the face of someone’s pain can be one of the most powerful ways to show support. Let your friend know they don’t have to pretend everything’s okay around you—they can be real about their pain.
When someones says, “This is really hard,” respond with something like, “Yes, it is.” Sometimes, the simple act of mirroring their experience helps them feel seen. Similarly, if you feel the urge to jump in with a solution, take a step back and just listen. Sometimes, people just need space to talk through their feelings without being “fixed.”
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Acts of Service & Love
How can you be a good friend, neighbor or partner? Simply by showing up! Anything that lightens the mental load and makes life easier, even for a day can help someone going through a difficult chapter.
Whether they're dealing with grief, illness, or stress, here are some practical ways to show up for loved ones when they need it most:
"Being there for someone in the way they need, instead of the way thats easy for you, is what true compassion looks like."
Practical Support
When someone is overwhelmed, asking “Let me know if you need anything” puts the burden on them to figure out what they need and ask for it. Instead, offer specific actions:
Deliver meals or groceries: Dropping off dinner or groceries at their door, even without staying for a visit, can be a huge relief.
Send money for immediate needs: Venmo or send a message like, “Here’s some money to order food or whatever you need.”
Arrange childcare or transportation: Offer rides for their children or set up playdates to give them a break.
Organize housecleaning: Surprise them by scheduling a housecleaner and ask what day works best.
"The best potion of a good man's life is his little, nameless unremembered acts of kindness and love."
William Wordsworth
Meaningful Gestures
Small, thoughtful gestures can help lighten their load or brighten their day:
Drop off a favorite item: A bottle of wine, coffee, or their favorite treat can be a welcome surprise.
Mail a card or make a call: A heartfelt card in the mail or an unexpected phone call shows you're thinking of them.
Give the gift of time: Tell them, “I have a few hours free tomorrow. Here’s what I can do: take care of chores, hang out with the baby while you rest, or we can go out for lunch. Let me know which works best.”
Proactive Care
It helps to have conversations when things are going well about what support they would like during tough times. This way, when things get hard, you already know how to best support them:
Plan ahead: Ask your loved one what kind of help they prefer when they’re not in crisis, so you're prepared when the time comes.
"Rarely, if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion"
Bell Hooks
Respect Their Boundaries
Not everyone is receptive to help, and that’s okay. Make sure to give them the space to say no by offering options and reassurance:
Say it’s okay to decline: Offer help with a statement like, “I know things are hard right now. If you’d rather not, feel free to say no. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Allow for flexibility: Give them the freedom to choose what kind of support they want. Offering a range of options like, “Do you want to hang out, rest, or chat?” helps avoid adding pressure.
"I hope you find some moments of joy, ease, and rest, even if the tough times are still there. I hope you get some breaks from the pain and can be gentle with yourself as you navigate through this really hard and painful experience."
Show Up Anyway
Supporting someone doesn’t always require grand gestures—it’s about showing up, offering practical help, and acknowledging their reality with empathy. Sometimes, all you can do is sit with someone in their pain, even when it’s uncomfortable and awkward. The most important thing is that you are not trying to fix anything but allowing them the space to feel, grieve, and heal.
People in pain need to be heard and supported, not fixed.
Amanda White
Words to Live By
When someone you care about is suffering, your words have power. They have the power to hurt, or help. The words you use, and of course, HOW you say them will either create
connection, or disconnection
safety, or dis-ease
value, or emptiness
validation, or invalidation
affirmation, or denial
Checking in, showing up and being present, goes a long way in helping someone feel they matter and they're not alone. These phrases validate and uplift.
“I’m here”
"Miss you"
"I hear you"
“I’m listening”
"I know it hurts"
"Thinking of you!"
"I am here to listen"
“Would a hug help?” "I've felt this before too"
"You're never 'too much'"
"Your feelings make sense"
"I enjoy showing up for you"
“I love spending time with you.”
"Let's figure this out together"
"I understand what you're saying"
"Seeing you was the highlight of my day"
"If it's hurting you then it matters to me"
“Do you want to take a small break with me?”
"I'm frustrated, but I am not going anywhere"
"Your thoughts/ideas/feelings matter to me"
“This is a safe space. You can tell me anything"
“What can I do to help you feel safer right now?”
"Thank you for telling me what was bother you"
"How do you want me to handle this next time?"
“You don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to.”
"How did your procedure/conversation/hard thing go? "
"I can't talk right now but I'll call you when I'm done with"
"Thank you for sharing this, I know it's not easy to talk about"
"I have to cool down. Give me 30 mins and I'll meet you back here"
"Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart."
Thich Nhat Hanh,
Relationships challenge us to address old wounds, anxieties, and insecurities as we all ultimately seek to answer the question, "Am I safe with you?"
While safety is easy to provide when calm, it’s truly tested in high-tension moments of anger, confusion, or defensiveness. These challenging moments hold the greatest potential for growth and connection, as showing care during hardship speaks volumes. Mistakes are inevitable, but owning them, seeking feedback, and sincerely apologizing builds trust and prepares you for next time.
Validating and comforting words are important help acknowledge a person’s pain, allowing them to feel seen, heard and understood so they can feel and process their emotions without judgment,
Instead of something flat and basic like "Feel better", say something actually meaningful and memorable. The following alternative phrases foster connection and emotional healing.
"Let me know if you need anything" → How can I support you? What do you need?"
“I hope you get better soon" → “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
" At least you still have---" → “It’s okay to feel grateful and still be struggling.”
"Think about the good things you have", →"I’m here for you, whatever you need,”
"Everything happens for a reason" → "Everything happens randomly and sometimes its unfair and shitty"
"They wouldn't want you to do be sad",→"They would completely understand why you are sad and would feel the exact same way in your shoes"
"Try to focus on the positive " →"Try to find the people and places where you feel safe to feel it all"
"They're in a better place",→ "They're gone and its unfair"
"Everything is going to be ok" → "This really sucks. I am so frustrated for you"
"I know what it feels like", → "I cannot imagine your heartbreak. This is so hard".
"You're strong, you'll get through this" → " You'll hurt, and I'll be here.
"You look like you're doing well" → "How are you holding up today?"
"Healing takes time",→"Healing has no timeline".
"Everything happens for a reason'"→ "You did not deserve this and this is not your fault"
"You've got this" →"This is incredibly difficult and I believe in your ability to overcome this"
"I don't want to bother you" → "Do you want some company?"
"You're so brave" → " This is so much to handle. How are you feeling about it all?"
"I know what it feels like" → "I cannot imagine your heartbreak".
"You're strong, you'll get through this" → " You'll hurt, and I'll be here.
"You look like you're doing well" → "How are you holding up today?"
"Healing takes time" → "Healing has no timeline".
"Everything happens for a reason" →" This must feel so terribly senseless right now".
"When there are no words to say at all, you don't need to try and find some. Love speaks in silences too.
Ullie Kaye
Wrapping It Up
Being a good friend, neighbor or partner to someone who’s struggling isn’t about fixing their problems or cheering them up. It’s about showing up, staying present, and letting them feel seen. By holding space for their pain and resisting the urge to make things better, you offer the most valuable gift—your understanding and support.
It's not about being perfect or getting everything right. it's about your genuine intentions, and showing a whole lot of empathy and understanding.
There is freedom and liberation in radical acceptance, in giving ourselves and others permission to be imperfectly HUMAN: messy, struggling, a work in progress, a being in process.
"Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'You’re not alone.'"
Brené Brown
Erin is a certified feng shui consultant, energy healer, wellness coach and holistic growth strategist.
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